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We’ve all been there. One second you’re sipping on your daily Dunkin’ iced coffee, the next you’re clenching your butthole and running toward the nearest bathroom. But oh God, there’s like five other people in here. And there’s no way you’re going to be able to make eye contact with that one girl from your COM 117 class after you commit this crime against humanity. Don’t worry, consider me your poop adviser, here to help you avoid the social consequences of pooping in public. Here are the best and worst places to poop on campus:

1. The best places to poop on campus are the most secluded. You need to go to a building that has people saying, “Wait, that’s a real building? On this campus?” As a professional poop adviser, I recommend the fourth floor of Slocum Hall in the School of Architecture. Everyone knows they only let the architecture majors poop once a day, so the bathrooms are pretty empty.

2. If somehow Slocum is busy that day, I recommend waddling toward the first floor of Maxwell Hall, where most students are too busy rereading the Constitution to notice you as you unleash fire and fury.

3. The Marshall Street Dunkin’ bathroom. It’s a little out of the way but if you’re in the area, the Marshall Street Dunkin’ private bathroom is a godsend. You’re going to have to poop after like one sip of your Dunkin’ iced coffee, so why not do it there? They did this to you.

4. The basement of Carnegie Library. No one goes there to study, and apparently no one goes in there to poop. You’ll find yourself a nice secluded spot there. Just watch out for the echoing after your bowel movement falls into the toilet.

Hypothetically, let’s say you want to ruin someone’s day by pooping in the worst places on campus. Don’t worry you absolute weirdo, I’ve got you covered.

1. Any communal Schine Student Center bathroom. Schine is way too busy for you to be dropping a deuce. Besides, I’m pretty sure the line for CoreLife has gotten so long it actually starts in the bathroom now.

2. The Newhouse 3 communal bathrooms by Food.com. We get it. Newhouse students are a bit cocky and arrogant, and maybe we deserve it, but please consider sparing us.

3. Goldstein Alumni and Faculty Center. If you can poop knowing that at any moment one of your professors may walk in, you’re stronger than the rest of us.

4. Ernie Davis Dining Center. Come on, man. We eat here.

5. Any communal dorm bathroom. Everyone that lives on your floor can recognize you by your feet. Don’t think you’re safe in there.

6. The Marshall Square Mall. I’m not sure if what they have in there can be legally classified as a bathroom, but if you feel like pissing off a Subway employee, the Marshall Square Mall bathroom is the way to go.

7. Don’t feel like pissing off a Subway employee? Consider pooping in a fraternity bathroom! Just realize what you may be getting yourself into. There’s no soap and no toilet paper, but there is a group of girls outside the door shouting at you to hurry up.

Published on March 22, 2022 at 9:34 pm