Lovely readers, I know that we all want to know what on Earth is going on in this crazy world we live in. Life is crazy. We all have questions. I have answers.

When I began this column, I set out to make a difference. I wanted change, so I bought a Kit-Kat at CVS with a twenty-dollar bill. I tried to use the eighteen dollars and some cents leftover toward installing a ball pit in Schine, but politics got in the way. What I mean by that is, I started watching the new season of House of Cards and completely forgot about Schining those balls.

So, answering the difficult questions of life it is. I hope these bring some clarity to your existence on this planet, since you’re only a speck of nothingness in the universe anyway. Try to remember that the next time you go on Yik Yak.

Is the hokey-pokey really what it’s all about?
Dear lord, I hope not. Do you know how much I pay for this school?

Is it too late now to say sorry?
I guess that depends on if you’re missing more than just her body.

Who ya gonna call?
I can’t, my phone’s dead, it’s gonna have to wait.

Do you have a charger I can borrow?
What did I just tell you?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Let me go to Chuck’s and, er, do some research.

Are we alone in the universe?
Only at 2 a.m. after you’ve spent all night thinking about woodchucks.

Will this be on the final?
Well, don’t tell me I studied these woodchucks for nothing.

You know guac is extra, right?
JUST GIVE IT TO ME.

Do you agree to the terms and conditions?
I didn’t read this question, I’m gonna skip it.

Given current resistance to put military boots on the ground, what do you think is the United States’ best strategy at combating ISIS?
Woah, hey, I did not agree to these terms.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
He’s meeting me to go to the bars tonight.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
The chicken just got here, the eggs just texted me that they’re on their way. They’re always late.

How would you like your eggs?
To be on time.

What took you so long?
I was waiting for the eggs, I swear.

Is there such a thing as true love?
I can barely answer a True/False test, never mind know about true love.

True or False?
Oh, come on!

Did you take the Campus Climate Survey?
The what?

Who’s a therapist’s therapist?
I don’t think I know the answer to this question.

And how does that make you feel?
You’d have to ask my therapist.

Ian McCourt is currently a junior television, radio and film major, but he was probably a woodchuck in a past life. You can reach him at iwmccour@syr.edu or follow him @OrderInMcCourt on Twitter.

Published on March 28, 2016 at 11:22 pm